The Sex Toys (And the Emotional Aftermath...)

Of course I knew I needed to try out my new purchases. I decided to play around with them when I got home. I didn't quite know what I was doing, but I knew that the only way to learn was to try. So, I took my vibrator out of the box, and powered it up.

Without getting into too many weird details, it was great. Although I still didn't orgasm, I got really close. I stopped myself again before it happened. I didn't want to force anything right away, but I know that I will be able to easily make myself orgasm when I decide that I am ready. 

I told my guy what I got. He was really happy, and (as you would expect) he got really horny. We were sexting back and forth for a while and I sent him a few pictures. He was insisting that he needed to see me as soon as possible. He was driving home from a weekend getaway but he wanted to make sure that we could be together as soon as he got home. I was fine with it...or so I thought.

The next day, I drove over to his place on my break in-between my two jobs. I got a babysitter for my 2 year old, and I drove the 40 minutes to his place. Even though it's his place now, it's the same home that we shared together just a mere month ago. I tried to mentally prepare myself as I was driving there, but I accepted the fact that no matter what, it was going to be a little hard for me.

When I got to the house I expected to be overcome with emotions, but I actually kept it together much better than I thought. I walked right on in and into our old bedroom. He was laying there waiting for me in his PJs. His sleepy face and silly smile was just as cute as I remembered. We started  some small talk, and before I knew it, he swept me up and started kissing me. 

Clothes came off, and it all began. I gave him a blow job while he played with me. We used my new toys, and then we had sex. It only lasted for about five minutes or so because he came so fast. He's literally never came that fast before. EVER. I think he was so horny and it was very built up. Even though it was quick, it was great. 

We laid together for a while. I didn't know what to say. There were so many questions swirling around in my head, but I was so afraid to say anything. So, I just laid their in silence, with my body right next to his.

We did it again. This time, it lasted longer. I tried to do the work and act hot and make sure that he was satisfied. I let him cum in my booty, and he had the biggest goofy smile on his face when we were done. I knew that he was happy.

When I left, he kissed me goodbye and told me to call him. I said I would and walked away smiling. When I got in my car and started driving away, my head was in a whirl. I hate the feeling of not being in control and I know that I have absolutely zero control in this situation. I realized that the only way for me to have any control at all is to stop talking to him. That way, I'd know that I could never be with him. The problem is, this is the only outcome that I don't want. 

I want to be back with him. Even though the sex is great, I quickly realized that I can't have a friends with benefits type arrangement with him. I need to know that I am all his. I don't want to be wondering in my head if he is seeing or talking to other girls. He told me that he is not, but I have just a sliver of doubt.

I sometimes wish that I didn't care about him as much as I do. I once heard a saying that goes, "The one who cares less in a relationship has the most power." I have found this to be extremely true. I feel like I would do ANYTHING to get him back (hence the sex toys) but even if I try my hardest, I don't know if I will win him back over. Not knowing is the worst feeling in the world.

I also know that I don't want to rush anything. I understand that it is going to take time for us to establish that we have both changed and for us to re-establish the trust that we need to have a strong relationship again. However, I don't want to be waiting around and essentially wasting time if he decides that he doesn't want to get back together with me. 

I don't know if I'll be able to do it, but I know that I need to take a deep breath and relax. At this point, I feel like I just need to let things play out on their own. If I try to push anything, I think that it'll get messed up. But at the same time, I really want to talk and figure out what he's thinking and where we stand. Technically I am single. That doesn't mean that I am even thinking of anyone else, but I could be. And he is single too. Even though he tells me he loves me, he is not attached to me by any means and could go with someone else at any time.

I care so much about him and I am absolutely terrified.

The Sex Store

Yesterday I had a mission that required a leap way out of my comfort zone. I went to Lover’s Lane, This was the second time I had been to this kind of store, so at least I knew what I was getting myself into. However, it was not any less awkward this time than it was last time. It made me wonder: Will it ever get any easier to walk into a sex store? I know some people are more open with their sexuality, but for those who are shyer, what steps can be taken to open up about sexuality?

When I first arrived at the store, I had to sit in the car for about twenty minutes to mentally prepare myself. What was I going to say when I walked in? What were the people inside going to think of me? While I sat in the car, I watched about a dozen people walk into the store. There were about four middle aged women, four middle aged men, two young women, and a couple. The couple struck me as the most odd. The woman was extremely attractive, and the man…well, not so much.

There were three things on my shopping list: a vibrator, lube, and anal beads.

The person that I am in love with is very sex-oriented. Me not so much. I wish I wanted it more, but my sex drive is essentially non-existent. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’ve never had an orgasm. My best friend tells me I’m missing out. I’m sure I am. I’ve gotten RIGHT THERE many times, but for some reason, I freak out. It’s such an intense feeling, and I am scared of what’s to follow. Some people say that you need to have your first on your own. To be honest, I’ve never really been that interested enough to try. But…I know that I could totally wow my guy if I did it with him. So, at 23 years old, I decided to I want to try. Therefore, I need a vibrator.

The next item on my list is pretty self-explanatory. Lube is basically a necessity. Whether you’re playing with yourself or having sex, lube makes it all more enjoyable. Period.

I feel like I need to explain the third item on my list a little more. After reading my favorite book series (Fifty Shades of Grey, of course) I became interested in branching out. The problem is that I am to shy to tell anyone. Even the person that I was dating. The thing is, he thought that I was boring in bed. He didn’t exactly saw it like that but I know that he wanted more. He loved porn. I’ve never seen it. He always told me, “Let your freak flag fly!” The problem is that I’ve never been that open with talking about sex, especially the freaky stuff. He was the complete opposite. I think that’s part of the reason that I fell in love with him. I loved that he was so open and blunt about everything, even things that I previously thought were taboo. He really helped me to open up. Although I am still very far from being as open as he’d like me to be. I decided that I need to get over my “fear” and embarrassment, and be open to trying new things and actually talking about my desires.

So, I decided to buy anal beads. What are they for exactly? I don’t know. Do they stretch your butt to make anal easier? Do they make sex more enjoyable? Is it supposed to feel good to pull them in and out? Honestly, I don’t know. I figured I’d Google it later. For the time being, I knew I needed them because I figured it’d show that I’m willing to branch out, try new things, and be a freak.

While I sat in the car, I thought of what I’d say to the sales person. Should I tell her what I need? I finally decided that I’d tell the sales women that I needed a gift for a bachelorette party. I wonder how many women use the same excuse.

When I walked in, (to my relief) I was not immediately greeted. I wandered over to an entire wall of vibrators. To my relief, I immediately spotted the anal beads. I grabbed them and moved on. Next, I aimed to find a vibrator. I didn’t think it would be that big of a challenge. When the sales lady finally came over, I told her I was just browsing. After staring at dozens and dozens of choices for about ten minutes, I knew that I was completely clueless. They all looked almost the same to me. Some were big, some were small, some had bunny ears, and some did not. However, to me, they all seemed the same. At that point, I knew I needed help.

I took a deep breath and asked the lady to help me. After about fifteen minutes of talking and feeling different sizes, shapes, textures, and intensities, I finally made a decision. I went with a pretty high quality one (even though it was more than I wanted to pay).

The lube was easy. I told her I needed it, and she showed me the most popular one. The only awkward thing was that she looked at me like I was crazy when I said “lube.” She said, “I can show you our lubricant section.” Just as a side note, sex store people say lubricant, not lube. Hmm.

After I left, I felt strangely proud of my purchases. I took a picture of me holding my new vibrator and sent it to a few of my closest friends. I think that owning some of my very own sex toys made me feel more mature. I felt as though I’m a real women now.

A few of my flaws...

Like I explained in my last post, I decided to make a list of my flaws, and brainstorm things that I could do to improve myself. My goal is to make myself more reliable, more confident, and less overwhelmed. These things are easier said than done, but hopefully admitting that I have some problems will help me fix these things. So, here it goes...

I am not reliable.

The person that I want to win back made me realize this. The thing is, he didn't say it in a mean or rude way or try to make me feel bad about it. He just brought it up casually in conversation. At first, I very offended. "What do you mean I'm not reliable?!" I shouted at him. He remained calm the entire time. He brought up quite a few examples that had happened over the past few months. Numerous times I told him I'd do something for him and I didn't. Of course I didn't purposely not do what he asked, but I am very busy and forgetful. Many of the little things slipped my mind. I felt terrible when he reminded me, but it became a constant pattern. After a while, he was slowly but surely losing trust in me. I didn't realize this until it was too late. He already thought that I was a liar and ignoring him on purpose.

To be honest, I can see where he was coming from. He was quite forgetful too, but he always kept his word when I asked him to do something for me. So, the least I can do is keep my word to him. I need to realize that I am not perfect and that I cannot do everything (even though I'd like to). So, I need to learn that it is okay to say no. Also, when he asks for a favor, I can't just assume that I'll remember it (because I clearly won't). I need to do the favor right away. If he asks me to bring him gym shorts, I need to put them in front of the door so I won't forget them. If I can't do it right away, I need to WRITE IT DOWN. It doesn't matter if I write it on a post-it or on my hand, but I need to make a visual reminder to myself. Another strategy is to leave it to Siri. Considering the fact that my phone is basically glued to my hand, I can't possibly forget with my dear friend Siri to remind me.

I think that if I am conscious about making sure that I keep my word, it will become a habit. That's what I'm hoping anyway...

I snap on him for no reason when I had a bad day.

Like I keep saying, I am super busy. I know that I am an adult and life sucks, but I have such a hard time dealing with the stress that I have to constantly deal with. He really truly was my rock, but I don't think he knows that. He was the only person that I told EVERYTHING too. I told him the good, the bad, and the embarrassing. The best part is, he loved me anyway. He loved me for everything that I was (and wasn't). So, out of all the people in my life, he was one of the only people that deserved to be treated with all of the love and respect that I could give him. Even on my bad days.

I am always going to have bad days. That is never going to change. However, I need to work hard to keep my work life and personal life separate. I know that he would sit on the phone and listen to me cry and vent about my day for hours if I needed it. I've never had anyone be there for me 100% all the time like he was, and I completely took it for granted.

I want to be his rock. I want to be the person that he can tell anything and everything to, and not be worried about how I am going to react. I see know that we grew distant because he was reluctant to tell me certain things with the fear that I'd get angry at him. The truth is, I was always getting angry for no reason. This is something that I know I need to work on. I know I can do it.

I was not always an angry person. I first saw myself getting angry when I was in an abusive relationship. I was with him for a few years, and over time, I morphed into a person that I never wanted to become. I picked up on many of his destructive habits and I was a complete monster. It's been two years since we broke up. Although it has been quite a journey, I think I finally almost have the old me. However, the one thing that I haven't been able to get rid of is the anger. I know that I have a problem, but I don't know how to fix it.

I really don't want to seek professional help, unless that becomes a last resort. I have a family history of bipolar disorder, and I am terrified that I could have it too. Maybe that is why I am so scared to figure out why I can't get rid of my anger. Maybe I am not willing to admit that the problem could be pretty serious - and life-changing. Maybe I am afraid that if I do have a mental illness he won't love me anymore. Maybe I do need to get screened, but I am not ready to take the leap alone.

I am always EXHAUSTED.

Between juggling my two year old, working close to full-time, being a full-time college student, and trying to run a household, I was completely exhausted every single night. This became a huge issue for us because by the end of the day I was too tired for anything. I could barely stay awake past nine. Most of the time I would fall asleep next to him in bed while he caught up on his shows.

Naturally, I don't have much of a sex drive. It's nothing personal towards him at all. I am absolutely in love with every inch of his body. I think he is the sexiest man alive, and when I was with him, I didn't look at or think about anyone else. I was so consumed with being in love with him, that other men didn't cross my mind. The problem was that he took my exhaustion and lack of a sex drive as an indication that I didn't want him anymore. He even thought I was cheating on him. I thought he was crazy and just paranoid at the time, but now I see where he is coming from. If the roles were reversed, I'm sure I would have thought the same thing.

He thought that my sex drive decreased when we moved in together. That wasn't the case at all. The truth was that the my sex drive has been super low ever since I had my IUD put in. I think that the hormones in the birth control mess me up. (As a side note, I just did a google search, and this seems to be a very common occurrence!) I am willing to look into other forms of birth control, but I am not willing to have the Mirena removed until I find a different way to protect myself from pregnancy. I don't want any more babies anytime soon.

In the mean time, I need to learn that it is okay if the house is a mess and if I don't get everything done. The man that I love is so important to me, and I need to make an effort to spend quality time with him - even if I am tired!

The Weakest Link

I hate the feeling of being heartbroken. I've never felt how bad it actually hurts until this time. It was the worst feeling because I knew that the breakup was ultimately my fault. Obviously there are two sides to every story, and no relationship is ever perfect, but I am willing to take 90% of the blame for my break up. 

Admitting that I was completely wrong is a HUGE deal for me. I am extremely stubborn and very unwilling to admit if I'm wrong. That was a very large part of my break up. 

Last week when I was working with my personal trainer he told me (as I was totally struggling through my workout), "We're only as strong as our weakest link." Obviously he was talking in terms of physical strength, but I haven't been able to get this phrase out of my head. I think that this is also true about the personality characteristics of a person. I have a lot going on. I am a great mother, I work very hard in school, I work as many hours as I can, and I did my best at being a "housewife." However, it was more than I could handle. An intense feeling of being overwhelmed along with my severe self esteem issues led to a complete disaster. It seemed as though my constant effort to keep it together ultimately led to me treating the person that I love the most terribly and I felt as though my entire life had imploded. 

After crying for weeks on end and envisioning all of the things that I could have done differently, I gave up. I felt as though I'd never be good enough and I decided that I had to give up and let go. I knew it wouldn't be an easy task, and for that reason I decided to go out to the bar with some friends to get myself in a better mood. However, the night ended with me being borderline blackout drunk and drunk texting no other than the person that I had decided to give up on. 

When I woke up the next morning, I realized what a mistake I had made. Instead of sending him a sad and pathetic 'I miss you' or 'I want you back' drunk text, I decided to call him out and swear at him. I guess the fact that he even responded was a good sign, but he responded by telling me we couldn't be friends. After pleading with him that I was actually drunk and not just being a blatant a-hole for no reason, we started to have a nice conversation as "friends." How you have a conversation as "friends" with the only person you can see yourself being with for the rest of your life is beyond me. Apparently he didn't know either because it didn't take long before we started talking as more than friends. We talked about what happened, and what we would need to do if we were to ever work. He confessed that he still loves me. We decided to meet up next week to talk about things. While we were talking he called it a date. I just about died. Of course the topic of whether or not breakup sex would be acceptable also came up. We both think it's a great idea. Let's hope our break up sex turns into makeup sex. 

To ensure that our (hopefully continuing) relationship doesn't continue down the same path (and to keep my sanity) I knew that I need to change. So, I decided to put together a list of my flaws. I didn't do this to bring myself down or to make myself feel bad. I truly did this as a means to see what I could do differently next time and to make sure that it actually happens. I hope that by looking at my flaws and brainstorming ways to improve myself I can eliminate some of my "weak links" and become an overall stronger person.