A few of my flaws...

Like I explained in my last post, I decided to make a list of my flaws, and brainstorm things that I could do to improve myself. My goal is to make myself more reliable, more confident, and less overwhelmed. These things are easier said than done, but hopefully admitting that I have some problems will help me fix these things. So, here it goes...

I am not reliable.

The person that I want to win back made me realize this. The thing is, he didn't say it in a mean or rude way or try to make me feel bad about it. He just brought it up casually in conversation. At first, I very offended. "What do you mean I'm not reliable?!" I shouted at him. He remained calm the entire time. He brought up quite a few examples that had happened over the past few months. Numerous times I told him I'd do something for him and I didn't. Of course I didn't purposely not do what he asked, but I am very busy and forgetful. Many of the little things slipped my mind. I felt terrible when he reminded me, but it became a constant pattern. After a while, he was slowly but surely losing trust in me. I didn't realize this until it was too late. He already thought that I was a liar and ignoring him on purpose.

To be honest, I can see where he was coming from. He was quite forgetful too, but he always kept his word when I asked him to do something for me. So, the least I can do is keep my word to him. I need to realize that I am not perfect and that I cannot do everything (even though I'd like to). So, I need to learn that it is okay to say no. Also, when he asks for a favor, I can't just assume that I'll remember it (because I clearly won't). I need to do the favor right away. If he asks me to bring him gym shorts, I need to put them in front of the door so I won't forget them. If I can't do it right away, I need to WRITE IT DOWN. It doesn't matter if I write it on a post-it or on my hand, but I need to make a visual reminder to myself. Another strategy is to leave it to Siri. Considering the fact that my phone is basically glued to my hand, I can't possibly forget with my dear friend Siri to remind me.

I think that if I am conscious about making sure that I keep my word, it will become a habit. That's what I'm hoping anyway...

I snap on him for no reason when I had a bad day.

Like I keep saying, I am super busy. I know that I am an adult and life sucks, but I have such a hard time dealing with the stress that I have to constantly deal with. He really truly was my rock, but I don't think he knows that. He was the only person that I told EVERYTHING too. I told him the good, the bad, and the embarrassing. The best part is, he loved me anyway. He loved me for everything that I was (and wasn't). So, out of all the people in my life, he was one of the only people that deserved to be treated with all of the love and respect that I could give him. Even on my bad days.

I am always going to have bad days. That is never going to change. However, I need to work hard to keep my work life and personal life separate. I know that he would sit on the phone and listen to me cry and vent about my day for hours if I needed it. I've never had anyone be there for me 100% all the time like he was, and I completely took it for granted.

I want to be his rock. I want to be the person that he can tell anything and everything to, and not be worried about how I am going to react. I see know that we grew distant because he was reluctant to tell me certain things with the fear that I'd get angry at him. The truth is, I was always getting angry for no reason. This is something that I know I need to work on. I know I can do it.

I was not always an angry person. I first saw myself getting angry when I was in an abusive relationship. I was with him for a few years, and over time, I morphed into a person that I never wanted to become. I picked up on many of his destructive habits and I was a complete monster. It's been two years since we broke up. Although it has been quite a journey, I think I finally almost have the old me. However, the one thing that I haven't been able to get rid of is the anger. I know that I have a problem, but I don't know how to fix it.

I really don't want to seek professional help, unless that becomes a last resort. I have a family history of bipolar disorder, and I am terrified that I could have it too. Maybe that is why I am so scared to figure out why I can't get rid of my anger. Maybe I am not willing to admit that the problem could be pretty serious - and life-changing. Maybe I am afraid that if I do have a mental illness he won't love me anymore. Maybe I do need to get screened, but I am not ready to take the leap alone.

I am always EXHAUSTED.

Between juggling my two year old, working close to full-time, being a full-time college student, and trying to run a household, I was completely exhausted every single night. This became a huge issue for us because by the end of the day I was too tired for anything. I could barely stay awake past nine. Most of the time I would fall asleep next to him in bed while he caught up on his shows.

Naturally, I don't have much of a sex drive. It's nothing personal towards him at all. I am absolutely in love with every inch of his body. I think he is the sexiest man alive, and when I was with him, I didn't look at or think about anyone else. I was so consumed with being in love with him, that other men didn't cross my mind. The problem was that he took my exhaustion and lack of a sex drive as an indication that I didn't want him anymore. He even thought I was cheating on him. I thought he was crazy and just paranoid at the time, but now I see where he is coming from. If the roles were reversed, I'm sure I would have thought the same thing.

He thought that my sex drive decreased when we moved in together. That wasn't the case at all. The truth was that the my sex drive has been super low ever since I had my IUD put in. I think that the hormones in the birth control mess me up. (As a side note, I just did a google search, and this seems to be a very common occurrence!) I am willing to look into other forms of birth control, but I am not willing to have the Mirena removed until I find a different way to protect myself from pregnancy. I don't want any more babies anytime soon.

In the mean time, I need to learn that it is okay if the house is a mess and if I don't get everything done. The man that I love is so important to me, and I need to make an effort to spend quality time with him - even if I am tired!