Of course I knew I needed to try out my new purchases. I decided to play around with them when I got home. I didn't quite know what I was doing, but I knew that the only way to learn was to try. So, I took my vibrator out of the box, and powered it up.
Without getting into too many weird details, it was great. Although I still didn't orgasm, I got really close. I stopped myself again before it happened. I didn't want to force anything right away, but I know that I will be able to easily make myself orgasm when I decide that I am ready.
I told my guy what I got. He was really happy, and (as you would expect) he got really horny. We were sexting back and forth for a while and I sent him a few pictures. He was insisting that he needed to see me as soon as possible. He was driving home from a weekend getaway but he wanted to make sure that we could be together as soon as he got home. I was fine with it...or so I thought.
The next day, I drove over to his place on my break in-between my two jobs. I got a babysitter for my 2 year old, and I drove the 40 minutes to his place. Even though it's his place now, it's the same home that we shared together just a mere month ago. I tried to mentally prepare myself as I was driving there, but I accepted the fact that no matter what, it was going to be a little hard for me.
When I got to the house I expected to be overcome with emotions, but I actually kept it together much better than I thought. I walked right on in and into our old bedroom. He was laying there waiting for me in his PJs. His sleepy face and silly smile was just as cute as I remembered. We started some small talk, and before I knew it, he swept me up and started kissing me.
Clothes came off, and it all began. I gave him a blow job while he played with me. We used my new toys, and then we had sex. It only lasted for about five minutes or so because he came so fast. He's literally never came that fast before. EVER. I think he was so horny and it was very built up. Even though it was quick, it was great.
We laid together for a while. I didn't know what to say. There were so many questions swirling around in my head, but I was so afraid to say anything. So, I just laid their in silence, with my body right next to his.
We did it again. This time, it lasted longer. I tried to do the work and act hot and make sure that he was satisfied. I let him cum in my booty, and he had the biggest goofy smile on his face when we were done. I knew that he was happy.
When I left, he kissed me goodbye and told me to call him. I said I would and walked away smiling. When I got in my car and started driving away, my head was in a whirl. I hate the feeling of not being in control and I know that I have absolutely zero control in this situation. I realized that the only way for me to have any control at all is to stop talking to him. That way, I'd know that I could never be with him. The problem is, this is the only outcome that I don't want.
I want to be back with him. Even though the sex is great, I quickly realized that I can't have a friends with benefits type arrangement with him. I need to know that I am all his. I don't want to be wondering in my head if he is seeing or talking to other girls. He told me that he is not, but I have just a sliver of doubt.
I sometimes wish that I didn't care about him as much as I do. I once heard a saying that goes, "The one who cares less in a relationship has the most power." I have found this to be extremely true. I feel like I would do ANYTHING to get him back (hence the sex toys) but even if I try my hardest, I don't know if I will win him back over. Not knowing is the worst feeling in the world.
I also know that I don't want to rush anything. I understand that it is going to take time for us to establish that we have both changed and for us to re-establish the trust that we need to have a strong relationship again. However, I don't want to be waiting around and essentially wasting time if he decides that he doesn't want to get back together with me.
I don't know if I'll be able to do it, but I know that I need to take a deep breath and relax. At this point, I feel like I just need to let things play out on their own. If I try to push anything, I think that it'll get messed up. But at the same time, I really want to talk and figure out what he's thinking and where we stand. Technically I am single. That doesn't mean that I am even thinking of anyone else, but I could be. And he is single too. Even though he tells me he loves me, he is not attached to me by any means and could go with someone else at any time.
I care so much about him and I am absolutely terrified.
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